It's been such a long time...

...I don't think that I'll be going.

So it's been nearly two years since my last entry. It took about 4 tries for me to finally remember the correct password although I'm fairly sure I've at least logged in under this account in the last two years.

I guess the question for the moment will be whether I want to go through and edit out some parts that include references to another incarnation I used which is now "dead" for the most part. Perhaps just editing the actual "profile" section would be more expedient ...nobody from my old blogging HQ would be likely to find me here under this name. There are a lot of things that I'm going to miss about my old blogging site, but I honestly prefer just starting over elsewhere (or here). That's been the story of my life for the most part ...why stop now?

I started this particular blog mostly for venting ...a place where I felt a bit more comfortable speaking freely in public about my disability. I guess at the time it didn't really occur to me that I'd be going down the dark and winding road towards depression again; even as I read the last post, I remembered a few things about myself that I had forgotten. Maybe this is a better blog to pick up on than the others I still have floating around after all.

"Things with Dad" in the last post was a bit of a splash of cold water in the face; they have been replaced mostly by "things with Mom" now. I never saw that one coming when I wrote the last post, but then we never really do.

Two years.

Dad has been dead for about 6 months ...Mom may have another 6 months to live, but I sort of doubt she'll hang in that long. I had been back in Dallas for a month in the last entry, I just signed the third lease on my apartment for another year last week. I can't honestly say for a fact that my dizziness has been getting worse so much as that I've just been so active that it certainly SEEMS worse. My car died exactly one day before Dad, so I'm not only driving a borrowed car ...but slowly fixing up my other car that's been parked for ages. This is the main reason my energy level has been in the toilet; apparently the Social Security office sends me those checks every month for a reason. Rebuilding an entire car in my spare time (3-4 days a month) doesn't agree with my condition; although I'm able to actually DO the work for the most part ...the aftermath from it really sucks. I'm almost at the "one year" mark on the car; I really hope to have it finished by next month though.

I briefly described an "e-crush" with another member of the last blogging site, and I've managed not only to move past the "e-crushes" but to also largely lose interest in even meeting people. I honestly have just about all the sex I can handle and had one "e-crush" too many; I stay worn out so much lately, my interest in sex has declined to a point I didn't even think possible. This has a lot more to do with my disability than depression or anything else though; I'm sure everything figures in for its own portion of my overall state though.

One thing is perfectly certain: when my car is fixed and my mother is gone, my life will be changing.

drastically.

I'm hoping that change will include me taking up writing on a more regular basis, but only time will tell on that issue. I have to get past grief, I have to muddle through depression, I have to find energy and incentive to get busy.

Most of all ...I just need to keep on trying to care what happens next.