stressed and isolated

Wow ...midway into July already.

I've started and stopped writing e-mails to friends a couple of times today, and I've started and stopped even leaving comments on blogs as well.  I know that I'm isolating myself to a certain extent, and I really just don't know quite what to do about it, but then I also know that I *do* have some people that I can and HAVE talked to, and aside from "venting" a little bit ...there's nothing to offer me that I don't already know.

Maybe I just underestimate the value of "venting" and find it difficult to reach out so I don't feel quite as alone in things (despite knowing fully well that's exactly what I am).  I guess I decided to compromise and simply write a blog.

I'm freaked out over some testing to be done next week.  I had another fall a bit over a week ago; truth be told, I was drunk ...sloppy drunk.  Part of me really wants to simply chalk the fall up to that, but my fall a couple of months ago down my stairs was while perfectly sober, and quite like while being drunk ...I have absolutely no idea how it happened.  One minute my feet were under me, the next they weren't.

Shortly after I moved in, I cut myself on my left hand ...badly.  If I hadn't watched it happen, I'd have never known I did it.  I got ammonia in it while cleaning and felt nothing despite it swelling and getting really angry looking.  I can feel the skin ...it isn't like it's numb or anything; just an utter absence of pain.  I had been under the impression that it was only my left hand, but on my visit to the neurologist last week ...her exam showed that it was actually both hands and both feet that have a decreased sensation.  I'm going in next week for a nerve conduction study.

My brother and a neighbor mentioned that it sounded a lot like multiple sclerosis, and I know that I've been tested (exhaustively, even) in the past for it.  I would think surely I've read up on signs and symptoms of MS before, but when I started reading up on the weekend

...let's just say that a lot of the questions and tests at the neurologist suddenly took on a new light.  Of the common symptoms, I have seven out of eight of the main ones and the eighth is questionable.  I pee a lot, but then I drink LOTS of water so I've never seen anything weird about that part.  I know my mental faculties are bad and getting worse every year; I've actually spent a little time agonizing over the possibility of early onset Alzheimer's or dementia.  Turns out that's a symptom of MS as well.  Part of me thinks I should have known that, but if I read it before I really don't remember it.  In fact, when cataloging symptoms to the doctor, I almost could have been reading off the list of common symptoms.

fucking scary.

This shouldn't be a new thing for me ...in fact, since day one most of the doctors have suspected MS, but I've never met the criteria for diagnosing it, and now I'm just wondering/worrying about it all over again.  It shouldn't be anything NEW, but it still is.  It shouldn't be a worry, but it still is.

Truth be told, it might be a relief to finally be diagnosed with something tangible instead of the nebulous description I have now.  I'll take MS over Alzheimer's any day of the week ...at least they have medications for MS.

It's the waiting though.  The waiting for the test, and then the waiting for the results.  It just sucks.

No fixes, no good advice except "try to keep my mind elsewhere."

...and maybe blog a little in a place where nobody will actually read it just vent it somewhere.