you need a plan

A very good friend of mine told me a while back that I needed to start making some kind of plan for the future. I have so many things nipping at me from so many emotional angles, yet I feel as though I'm just sort of drifting aimlessly through life presently. It won't be long until my particular emotional tightrope act starts being one with no net.

I've been reading through a bunch of crap I wrote more than a decade ago ...I think when I gave the title "dysfunctional diaries" to this blog, I had a lot of that in mind. I used to be much worse about defining myself by my limitations, but I'd be pretty ignorant to say that tendency is completely out of the picture. It's been a real shocker to find out that the level of "dysfunctional" back then was really pretty "way out there" ...meaning that I'm pretty surprised I was able to function at ALL. I don't have a whole lot of memory about then, but it's mostly just a defense mechanism I developed as a child; I can remember most anything if I want to remember it (which I seldom do).

I think part of the "plan" that I need to come up with may revolve a little bit around writing. I've been playing around all morning looking at dating websites, and thinking about starting up another blog. It occurs to me at last that I'm not using the blogs that I already have ...why start another?

To meet chicks ...of course. I have no regular readers of this blog and I've actually put a little bit of effort in keeping this blog separate from anything else related to "me" (as in, the "real" me ...no pictures or personal information whatsoever here).

Only problem is ...I'm having a really tough time dealing with the women that are already in my life. One is a little pissed at me (for good reason, but I'm not sure I'm willing to give what it takes to change that), the other is awesome ...she just lives too far away to be much more than a penpal. The other just wants me for my bod (lol ...never thought having a "friend" like that would be considered an "issue" for me) and things will never expand past what they are.

I think a part of me wants something a little bit more substantial, but I'm just having some motivational issues. Sad as it is to admit, I get laid often enough that my need for sexual gratification isn't that big of a deal anymore; it's the emotional end of things that probably needs a little bit of work. The people I already know just don't seem to fill my needs, but then my patience for trying to find someone else is at rock bottom levels.

Despite all of this, the one thing I can see that might improve my moods a bit is to start writing again. It needs to be somewhere that it CAN be read, just not advertised. I need to start trying to reconnect with my sense of humor and quit identifying to others through hurt or dysfunction.

Hardly a bad thing. I just need to start doing it.