I guess one of the good things about smoking the last cigarette on the last day of the month helps you "keep score" a little bit easier. I'm doing okay ...I'll be much more impressed at the end of the month, but all in all I think I'm doing well. I'm beat to hell this morning. I've put in a solid two days of VERY hard work at Mom's house; I think moving the upright piano all by my lonesome may be a crowing achievement (that may also be where these massive bruises on my arms came from too), but I've sufficiently worked my ass off for the last couple days. That does wonders for nicotine craving; I hurt a bit too much to even care. I'm hoping that I don't mess up the right shoulder too much more in all this business, but I could tell last night that I had already done a little bit of damage.
I don't know if it's just plain sad or what (?!), but the pain helps a lot. The other time that I did a super-serious quit was after the new tax bumped the price of Marlboro's up a buck a pack; I didn't touch a cigarette again until after Dad's funeral, but I don't recall if that was over a year or not.
I've been writing a blog nearly every day except that I'm alternating back and forth between this one and another. I noticed yesterday that people are actually reading the other blog ...granted it's only a couple of views, but that's still more than I really expected. In a way, I'm trying to psych myself up to start writing on the actual AFF blog, but I haven't even been willing to read my watched blogs in a few weeks. Maybe after I'm moved ...but I'm pretty sure that's been the plan all along (as much as you can define what I've got floating in between both brain cells as a "plan" anyway).
I've managed to clean the carpets in four rooms at Mom's as of yesterday; I put support in the attic and rearranged things so I can stash a fair bit of stuff up there now. I don't really foresee any trouble with getting all I need to up there; maybe even some of the stuff that Mom just can't bear to part with. I figure next Tuesday once I start moving stuff back into the computer room, we'll be seeing just how much can go in the bookcases; I'm hoping a fair bit will go and that we can even start clearing some stuff Mom has stacked behind the bar in the family room. Mom figured she's (they've) been there for 18 years, and it's never had a really thorough cleaning in that entire time so we're way overdue. I'm trying to blow through with a vengeance and clean everything, but theory and practice may be two different things soon. The nice end of things is that once I do all of the "blowing through" I ought to be able to start keeping it up after I'm moved in, and will probably start policing the clutter as well. I've gotten so much better about that myself ...I was snickering to myself when I cleared the dining room table about how that was me right up until I moved back to Dallas. My dining room table is cluttered like crazy right now, but very uncharacteristically so; I seldom to never let things accumulate like they are now (and even now it's all just "pending" stuff that needs to either go to the apartment office, or be filed). Nothing that will take more than five minutes to clear and put away.
I'm really going to have an interesting transition moving in with Mom. The worst part will probably simply be that I'll no longer be able (willing, if I want to be honest with myself) to have lady friends over. The loss of privacy I can almost deal with; it's a big house and I may actually start looking for things to do "out and about" as well as trying to become a little bit more active in a blog ...wherever I may choose to post it. Cleaning up will be a huge project at Mom's, but I suspect we'll all be happier once it's over with. Zeke will love having a back yard again, and he'll like the "around the block" walks a lot too! All in all, I think it's going to be okay. I just have to keep trying to put it in the perspective of "putting my life on hold for a while" rather than "moving in with Mom."
Now that I'm no longer "tied to the ranch" it'll be kind of interesting. I keep thinking about the dinner table on that last trip with my sister telling everyone there that I was being "forced" to move in with Mom because of my rent increase. I can't quite fathom if that was being put out there for Mom's benefit for the most part, but regardless of the reason for stretching it a little bit ...none of the people she was telling it to were getting the whole story. Both she and her hubby have been pretty quick to only tell the parts of the story that make me look bad ...BIL's best friend has been the best indicator of that for the last year or so. One thing about a "bro-mance" in action is that the friend says what the other friend doesn't, thinking they're doing them some kind of favor. I'm sure glad to no longer have to go out there anymore though. I still have a ways to go on my car, but at least the remaining stuff is well suited to do here. The next trip out, I'm sure I'll load up some tools and the remaining car parts and paints.
Oh well ...time to start getting ready to head out. I feel like total crap, but a nice afternoon with my buddy sounds good!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Oh, what a world!
Well, the fifth day without a cigarette is here and I'm managing all right so far. I've had a few cravings, but nothing I haven't been able to handle with relative ease. It may or may not get worse around the 10 day mark, it may or may not get worse around the six month mark, it may or may not get worse any given time. One day at a time ...but once I'm moved in at Mom's, there won't be any more smoking. period.
Yesterday I managed to look around the web a little bit at motivational stuff for quitting smoking. I don't really think I was craving or niccing out that badly ...maybe I was just wanting something to get pissed at. I worry a little bit about how bad I'll be as a room-mate, but it was fairly obvious from browsing "quit-forums" that I would suck in a support group even worse. When the crazy-lady next door was talking about quitting smoking (actually, I think that may well have been the last time I saw her), she was talking about a book she had just bought on quitting smoking, and it was mostly full of "positive affirmations" to help out.
Sorry, but I'll pit my (admittedly, at the moment quite cynical) "cold turkey" against her "positive affirmations" any day of the week. I don't know if I can stay quit permanently (one day at a time), but I seriously doubt that she could do it for more than a few days at a time. She's just a little too much like my ex ...only a lot more of a flake. The spiritual mumbo-jumbo just doesn't do it for me, but I guess being pissed at something must help at least a little bit. I guess that just keeping busy may be the best thing all the way around for me.
So today is going to be a pretty heavy work-day for me. Here in a bit, I'm going to need to jump off the computer and start doing a walk around the apartment and either start boxing stuff that will need to go in the attic at Mom's, or just be lazy and grab the already boxed stuff like all of my old comic books. I'm torn about packing those up to the attic or putting them in the closet in my bedroom ...it seems like the heat may be a bit much in the attic, but that sure didn't stop me when I was living at Randy's, so I probably shouldn't let it stop me here either. The closet in my room is pretty good-sized though.
Today makes the first of five weeks I'll have to carry things back and forth. I really have no idea what sort of rhyme or reason I'll attempt to use when deciding what to do and when, but I'm pretty sure things will kind of organize themselves once I actually get moving. I fucking hate moving; aggravating to realize I'll be doing it again most likely in the next two years. Aggravating that I only had a year here, but still better that I found out soon enough to get out when it was still beneficial for both Mom and I.
If they had given me a reasonable lease renewal, I would have signed it without giving it a second thought. I guess that will wiggle around in the back of my head quite a bit, probably for the rest of my life. I don't have much issue with being a slightly superstitious and definitely less than consistent atheist. I see no fucking "hand of God" that my sister spoke of here; I wrestled with the idea of moving in with Mom last year as well, and were her health not getting more and more frail then I likely either would have swallowed the rent increase or just found another less expensive place. I guess that being both a minister's kid as well as the eternal skeptic these days, I can't help but to think about it from both angles.
Spiritual angle: lease is up, mother's health is getting frail, apartments screw around with the lease making it the decision to move in with the ailing mother a hell of a lot easier. The timing was ideal.
Skeptic angle: I read the reviews before moving in, and the apartments haven't done anything that I wasn't thoroughly warned about before I ever signed on the dotted line (four out of five reviews said "great neighbors, suck-ass management"). The timing isn't ideal, it's merely beneficial. Had they upped the lease the same time as Mom gotten sick, had a stroke, fallen down and hurt herself ...now THAT would have been slightly more "ideal" than Mom being tired out all the time. The sad truth is that she probably needed the help last year as well, but just wasn't bad enough to justify it to herself.
When Mom was originally diagnosed, she showed a problem with a broken chromosome. Later on in all the treatment, the evidence of the broken chromosome no longer showed up in any of the tests. My sister jumped on the "It's a MIRACLE!" bandwagon, and even started on a "...my God has the biggest dick of all, and he cured my Mom of a broken chromosome!" tirade that even my brother expressed some confusion over.
Wow. Well, whatever floats your boat, but if there's really some all powerful entity out there that likes your simpering adoration and listens to your prayers ...I think I'd rather he made some change that would have at least some remote effect on her treatment or life expectancy. She's terminally fucking ill, and a chromosomal defect doesn't really mean shit when stacked up next to the Amyloidosis and Multiple Myloma. Show me a cure for the two things that are actually killing her if you want me to be impressed.
I have a rare blood condition ...if it suddenly just went away in a poof (and given that it was never really all that consistent in the three times it was tested, it wouldn't even surprise me if it was suddenly gone); I still wouldn't consider any fucking miracles since it would have absolutely no effect at all on the shit that keeps me from having what might be deemed as a "normal" life.
Ah well ...time to get moving and boxing. Coffee is almost done and the dog is complaining, so it's off to work I go!
Yesterday I managed to look around the web a little bit at motivational stuff for quitting smoking. I don't really think I was craving or niccing out that badly ...maybe I was just wanting something to get pissed at. I worry a little bit about how bad I'll be as a room-mate, but it was fairly obvious from browsing "quit-forums" that I would suck in a support group even worse. When the crazy-lady next door was talking about quitting smoking (actually, I think that may well have been the last time I saw her), she was talking about a book she had just bought on quitting smoking, and it was mostly full of "positive affirmations" to help out.
Sorry, but I'll pit my (admittedly, at the moment quite cynical) "cold turkey" against her "positive affirmations" any day of the week. I don't know if I can stay quit permanently (one day at a time), but I seriously doubt that she could do it for more than a few days at a time. She's just a little too much like my ex ...only a lot more of a flake. The spiritual mumbo-jumbo just doesn't do it for me, but I guess being pissed at something must help at least a little bit. I guess that just keeping busy may be the best thing all the way around for me.
So today is going to be a pretty heavy work-day for me. Here in a bit, I'm going to need to jump off the computer and start doing a walk around the apartment and either start boxing stuff that will need to go in the attic at Mom's, or just be lazy and grab the already boxed stuff like all of my old comic books. I'm torn about packing those up to the attic or putting them in the closet in my bedroom ...it seems like the heat may be a bit much in the attic, but that sure didn't stop me when I was living at Randy's, so I probably shouldn't let it stop me here either. The closet in my room is pretty good-sized though.
Today makes the first of five weeks I'll have to carry things back and forth. I really have no idea what sort of rhyme or reason I'll attempt to use when deciding what to do and when, but I'm pretty sure things will kind of organize themselves once I actually get moving. I fucking hate moving; aggravating to realize I'll be doing it again most likely in the next two years. Aggravating that I only had a year here, but still better that I found out soon enough to get out when it was still beneficial for both Mom and I.
If they had given me a reasonable lease renewal, I would have signed it without giving it a second thought. I guess that will wiggle around in the back of my head quite a bit, probably for the rest of my life. I don't have much issue with being a slightly superstitious and definitely less than consistent atheist. I see no fucking "hand of God" that my sister spoke of here; I wrestled with the idea of moving in with Mom last year as well, and were her health not getting more and more frail then I likely either would have swallowed the rent increase or just found another less expensive place. I guess that being both a minister's kid as well as the eternal skeptic these days, I can't help but to think about it from both angles.
Spiritual angle: lease is up, mother's health is getting frail, apartments screw around with the lease making it the decision to move in with the ailing mother a hell of a lot easier. The timing was ideal.
Skeptic angle: I read the reviews before moving in, and the apartments haven't done anything that I wasn't thoroughly warned about before I ever signed on the dotted line (four out of five reviews said "great neighbors, suck-ass management"). The timing isn't ideal, it's merely beneficial. Had they upped the lease the same time as Mom gotten sick, had a stroke, fallen down and hurt herself ...now THAT would have been slightly more "ideal" than Mom being tired out all the time. The sad truth is that she probably needed the help last year as well, but just wasn't bad enough to justify it to herself.
When Mom was originally diagnosed, she showed a problem with a broken chromosome. Later on in all the treatment, the evidence of the broken chromosome no longer showed up in any of the tests. My sister jumped on the "It's a MIRACLE!" bandwagon, and even started on a "...my God has the biggest dick of all, and he cured my Mom of a broken chromosome!" tirade that even my brother expressed some confusion over.
Wow. Well, whatever floats your boat, but if there's really some all powerful entity out there that likes your simpering adoration and listens to your prayers ...I think I'd rather he made some change that would have at least some remote effect on her treatment or life expectancy. She's terminally fucking ill, and a chromosomal defect doesn't really mean shit when stacked up next to the Amyloidosis and Multiple Myloma. Show me a cure for the two things that are actually killing her if you want me to be impressed.
I have a rare blood condition ...if it suddenly just went away in a poof (and given that it was never really all that consistent in the three times it was tested, it wouldn't even surprise me if it was suddenly gone); I still wouldn't consider any fucking miracles since it would have absolutely no effect at all on the shit that keeps me from having what might be deemed as a "normal" life.
Ah well ...time to get moving and boxing. Coffee is almost done and the dog is complaining, so it's off to work I go!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Keep on movin'
It seems I've lost three more neighbors just in the immediate "circle around the pool" area that I actually see when I'm walking the dog. I'm starting to think they really are going to be looking at an occupancy problem soon. Something occurred to me this morning that has niggled in the back of my mind a lot, but jumped to the forefront all of a sudden.
The "market value" for the apartments is too high. One of the leading complaints in the online reviews of the apartment complex is the fact that they have a mandatory $40\mo fee for cable television. They don't consider it part of the rent, yet they give no choice in opting out of the fee. They were up-front with me about the fee when I moved in and I honestly didn't care that much; apparently they haven't been quite as up-front with other people though. I just consider it part of the rent ...even when I was looking at other apartments I was subtracting the amount I pay for cable here to the rent elsewhere when considering pricing elsewhere since there isn't any way I would pay for cable by choice no matter where I went. They can do all the mental gymnastics they want to justify it, but if I have to add that amount as part of the rent when considering other apartments, then it is part of the rent. I guess that only the people who intend to purchase cable regardless would consider it separately.
I ran into the "pretty couple" last night when I was taking the mutt for his beddy-bye walk. I'm really pretty fuzzy-headed, but I guess next time I see them, I might have to ask for clarification. I think they may have gotten a pretty huge renewal rate on their lease as well though. It's hard to say for sure because they did something else that I'm just a little bit too familiar with; now that they know I'm an atheist, they've taken it upon themselves to start acting all Christian-like around me.
I never fail to be amazed that I can walk into a bar and strike a conversation with almost any drunk who might cheat you, rob you, curse you, or whatever under normal circumstances ...but they will suddenly become all about "the love of God" when they find out you're an unbeliever. It's the same in everyday life ...people whom it would never even occur to to mention religion, suddenly become all about it when they find you don't ascribe to it. I really liked the "pretty couple" ...shame that if they feel some sort of need to suddenly start preaching to me or "provide an example" ...I'll likely just start avoiding them. If something as an example is dependent on being pointed out, then it isn't an example at all ...it's just an act.
I think of my last job and my ethical structure on what I would charge for. I was apparently considered to be some sort of super-Christian; I might bring up atheism in conversation, but never really linked my ethics with any philosophical stance on deities. When the cat got out of the bag, the two main outspoken Christians had their worlds thrown for a loop upon discovering that an "evil atheist" had a stronger work ethic than they did (bear in mind that these people had known me for quite a few years and that the subject of religion had simply never come up). Average hours billed by every technician was posted every week; it was the two outspoken Christians that I saw a marked drop in average hours after they found I was an atheist (I'm talking about a 20-30% drop). To be honest, I never actively paid all that much attention to how many hours other people billed ...but one of the two outspoken types had to point out how he had cleaned up his act on his billing.
The above is what I mean about an example being dependent on pointing it out. The fact that I refused to double bill, or charge for something I either didn't do or only did half-ass enough to justify charging for it, was never an issue with anyone until that fine day when someone in a group meeting remarked about my being a good Christian, and I simply corrected them. If someone called a Christian a good Muslim in a public setting, I'm pretty sure they'd feel the need to point out they aren't Muslim. The point is that I never particularly cared much about what people thought about my average hours. It provides no positive example to me when someone feels a need to point out how their ethics have changed only after being shamed by nothing other than a person not sharing their belief structure having a stronger work ethic. It may be heartfelt, but it's still just an act as far as I'm concerned. Ironic that the other outspoken Christian still remains what I consider to be a very positive example of his faith. He adjusted himself and felt no need to point it out to me ...he only talked religion nominally more than he ever did before and remained pleasant to be around. He was a nice guy who never felt the need to point out how nice he was in order to make some sort of point. His life was the point, and I'm pretty sure that's how the bible says you are supposed to be.
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. -James 3:13
I found that verse just with a little google search; my memory really isn't good enough to pull anything like that out of my ass anymore; it was actually the "lamp under the bushel" parable that immediately jumped to mind. The light I see shining from most Christians I know is hardly something to be proud of. I think the above said it a little better for my purposes though: if it's only being done to show somebody else, then it hardly comes from a place of humility.
Oh well, that was hardly a tangent I meant to go off on. A guy suffering his third day of nicotine withdrawal is hardly on any moral high ground although it does help explain why his mind is all over the place.
This coming week is liable to be busy. I took the first load of stuff from my closet to Moms on Friday: four CPU's that were gathering dust in my closet (most of which probably needs to just be thrown out). I plan to make another such run on Tuesday although I haven't decided exactly what to take just yet.
I have a second car now; I've actually had it for years, but I've just finished making it legal to drive again. The story isn't something I'll really want to go into here except for the sense of utter relief I have regarding no longer having it at my sister and BIL's (where it's been for nearly the last three years). I still have a bit of work to do on it ...the big one right now revolves around replacing the rear hatch seal. I hope to check around a little bit in the morning and see if anyone reasonably nearby might have one. If I could change it out tomorrow that would be great, but I'm fine with waiting until Thursday or the weekend if need be as well. Either way, I plan to be driving it after Tuesday on at least a semi-permanent basis. I may or may not hit the car with some rubbing compound and a buffer while I'm there on Tuesday; it looks okay, but could sure use at least a little bit of improvement.
The main focus on Tuesday will simply be to get started on the steam cleaning. Odds are good that I'll want to go back on Wednesday. We'll see what I feel like then I guess.
stick a fork in me, I think I'm done for the day.
The "market value" for the apartments is too high. One of the leading complaints in the online reviews of the apartment complex is the fact that they have a mandatory $40\mo fee for cable television. They don't consider it part of the rent, yet they give no choice in opting out of the fee. They were up-front with me about the fee when I moved in and I honestly didn't care that much; apparently they haven't been quite as up-front with other people though. I just consider it part of the rent ...even when I was looking at other apartments I was subtracting the amount I pay for cable here to the rent elsewhere when considering pricing elsewhere since there isn't any way I would pay for cable by choice no matter where I went. They can do all the mental gymnastics they want to justify it, but if I have to add that amount as part of the rent when considering other apartments, then it is part of the rent. I guess that only the people who intend to purchase cable regardless would consider it separately.
I ran into the "pretty couple" last night when I was taking the mutt for his beddy-bye walk. I'm really pretty fuzzy-headed, but I guess next time I see them, I might have to ask for clarification. I think they may have gotten a pretty huge renewal rate on their lease as well though. It's hard to say for sure because they did something else that I'm just a little bit too familiar with; now that they know I'm an atheist, they've taken it upon themselves to start acting all Christian-like around me.
I never fail to be amazed that I can walk into a bar and strike a conversation with almost any drunk who might cheat you, rob you, curse you, or whatever under normal circumstances ...but they will suddenly become all about "the love of God" when they find out you're an unbeliever. It's the same in everyday life ...people whom it would never even occur to to mention religion, suddenly become all about it when they find you don't ascribe to it. I really liked the "pretty couple" ...shame that if they feel some sort of need to suddenly start preaching to me or "provide an example" ...I'll likely just start avoiding them. If something as an example is dependent on being pointed out, then it isn't an example at all ...it's just an act.
I think of my last job and my ethical structure on what I would charge for. I was apparently considered to be some sort of super-Christian; I might bring up atheism in conversation, but never really linked my ethics with any philosophical stance on deities. When the cat got out of the bag, the two main outspoken Christians had their worlds thrown for a loop upon discovering that an "evil atheist" had a stronger work ethic than they did (bear in mind that these people had known me for quite a few years and that the subject of religion had simply never come up). Average hours billed by every technician was posted every week; it was the two outspoken Christians that I saw a marked drop in average hours after they found I was an atheist (I'm talking about a 20-30% drop). To be honest, I never actively paid all that much attention to how many hours other people billed ...but one of the two outspoken types had to point out how he had cleaned up his act on his billing.
The above is what I mean about an example being dependent on pointing it out. The fact that I refused to double bill, or charge for something I either didn't do or only did half-ass enough to justify charging for it, was never an issue with anyone until that fine day when someone in a group meeting remarked about my being a good Christian, and I simply corrected them. If someone called a Christian a good Muslim in a public setting, I'm pretty sure they'd feel the need to point out they aren't Muslim. The point is that I never particularly cared much about what people thought about my average hours. It provides no positive example to me when someone feels a need to point out how their ethics have changed only after being shamed by nothing other than a person not sharing their belief structure having a stronger work ethic. It may be heartfelt, but it's still just an act as far as I'm concerned. Ironic that the other outspoken Christian still remains what I consider to be a very positive example of his faith. He adjusted himself and felt no need to point it out to me ...he only talked religion nominally more than he ever did before and remained pleasant to be around. He was a nice guy who never felt the need to point out how nice he was in order to make some sort of point. His life was the point, and I'm pretty sure that's how the bible says you are supposed to be.
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. -James 3:13
I found that verse just with a little google search; my memory really isn't good enough to pull anything like that out of my ass anymore; it was actually the "lamp under the bushel" parable that immediately jumped to mind. The light I see shining from most Christians I know is hardly something to be proud of. I think the above said it a little better for my purposes though: if it's only being done to show somebody else, then it hardly comes from a place of humility.
Oh well, that was hardly a tangent I meant to go off on. A guy suffering his third day of nicotine withdrawal is hardly on any moral high ground although it does help explain why his mind is all over the place.
This coming week is liable to be busy. I took the first load of stuff from my closet to Moms on Friday: four CPU's that were gathering dust in my closet (most of which probably needs to just be thrown out). I plan to make another such run on Tuesday although I haven't decided exactly what to take just yet.
I have a second car now; I've actually had it for years, but I've just finished making it legal to drive again. The story isn't something I'll really want to go into here except for the sense of utter relief I have regarding no longer having it at my sister and BIL's (where it's been for nearly the last three years). I still have a bit of work to do on it ...the big one right now revolves around replacing the rear hatch seal. I hope to check around a little bit in the morning and see if anyone reasonably nearby might have one. If I could change it out tomorrow that would be great, but I'm fine with waiting until Thursday or the weekend if need be as well. Either way, I plan to be driving it after Tuesday on at least a semi-permanent basis. I may or may not hit the car with some rubbing compound and a buffer while I'm there on Tuesday; it looks okay, but could sure use at least a little bit of improvement.
The main focus on Tuesday will simply be to get started on the steam cleaning. Odds are good that I'll want to go back on Wednesday. We'll see what I feel like then I guess.
stick a fork in me, I think I'm done for the day.
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