Wow ...midway into July already.
I've started and stopped writing e-mails to friends a couple of times today, and I've started and stopped even leaving comments on blogs as well. I know that I'm isolating myself to a certain extent, and I really just don't know quite what to do about it, but then I also know that I *do* have some people that I can and HAVE talked to, and aside from "venting" a little bit ...there's nothing to offer me that I don't already know.
Maybe I just underestimate the value of "venting" and find it difficult to reach out so I don't feel quite as alone in things (despite knowing fully well that's exactly what I am). I guess I decided to compromise and simply write a blog.
I'm freaked out over some testing to be done next week. I had another fall a bit over a week ago; truth be told, I was drunk ...sloppy drunk. Part of me really wants to simply chalk the fall up to that, but my fall a couple of months ago down my stairs was while perfectly sober, and quite like while being drunk ...I have absolutely no idea how it happened. One minute my feet were under me, the next they weren't.
Shortly after I moved in, I cut myself on my left hand ...badly. If I hadn't watched it happen, I'd have never known I did it. I got ammonia in it while cleaning and felt nothing despite it swelling and getting really angry looking. I can feel the skin ...it isn't like it's numb or anything; just an utter absence of pain. I had been under the impression that it was only my left hand, but on my visit to the neurologist last week ...her exam showed that it was actually both hands and both feet that have a decreased sensation. I'm going in next week for a nerve conduction study.
My brother and a neighbor mentioned that it sounded a lot like multiple sclerosis, and I know that I've been tested (exhaustively, even) in the past for it. I would think surely I've read up on signs and symptoms of MS before, but when I started reading up on the weekend
...let's just say that a lot of the questions and tests at the neurologist suddenly took on a new light. Of the common symptoms, I have seven out of eight of the main ones and the eighth is questionable. I pee a lot, but then I drink LOTS of water so I've never seen anything weird about that part. I know my mental faculties are bad and getting worse every year; I've actually spent a little time agonizing over the possibility of early onset Alzheimer's or dementia. Turns out that's a symptom of MS as well. Part of me thinks I should have known that, but if I read it before I really don't remember it. In fact, when cataloging symptoms to the doctor, I almost could have been reading off the list of common symptoms.
fucking scary.
This shouldn't be a new thing for me ...in fact, since day one most of the doctors have suspected MS, but I've never met the criteria for diagnosing it, and now I'm just wondering/worrying about it all over again. It shouldn't be anything NEW, but it still is. It shouldn't be a worry, but it still is.
Truth be told, it might be a relief to finally be diagnosed with something tangible instead of the nebulous description I have now. I'll take MS over Alzheimer's any day of the week ...at least they have medications for MS.
It's the waiting though. The waiting for the test, and then the waiting for the results. It just sucks.
No fixes, no good advice except "try to keep my mind elsewhere."
...and maybe blog a little in a place where nobody will actually read it just vent it somewhere.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Is it 2015 already?
Wow, I was just looking at my last post and the date ...2012!
I seem to recall that this is my "original" blogspot blog; I actually have two others though. One is known to others who know me, so I'm a little reticent to post too much there about my current state of affairs. I have exactly one post on the other ...I seem to recall have an honest to goodness reason for creating a third one although I couldn't tell you what it might have been now.
A lot has changed in the meantime ...some for the good, some for the bad. Basically like every other person in the world.
In the last five years though ...I've lost my mother, my father, my ex-wife (or 8 year LTR if we are being literal) and numerous aunts and the last remaining uncle. I wasn't exceptionally close to all but one aunt, but the father, mother and ex-wife I suspect have been a lot harder on me than I want to admit; I'm still considering a little bit of grief counseling that the hospice company for my mother provides free of charge. I don't know exactly why I'm so apprehensive about it ...what I keep telling myself is that it's because the hospice is Christian based, and being an atheist is supposed to create some kind of conflict there. I know that's a pretty bullshit reason as far as "reasons" go ...in fact, I'd even go so far as to say it's just an excuse. The apprehension is very real though.
Another fun detail that I've discovered since that last post is that I have herpes. I can go back in my journals and pinpoint exactly when I contracted it and who I contracted it from. No joy in Muddville over that part.
There is absolutely no GOOD way to find out you have an STD that will be with you for life, but I think my own story was as close as you can come to it. My "friend" contacted me immediately when she got her own test back; she was responsible about informing me (as was I with the only other I had been with ...and she thankfully tested negative), and I bore no ill will at the time or after. I had known her for quite a few years and we had a lot of fun ...there were no illusions about other partners. We had been strictly "safe sex" for the first year and dispensed with the condoms after we got to know each other better. It was a case of "sometimes when you play, you have to pay the piper." I don't have to like how it worked out, but when I hear other stories from other heeps ...it seems like many carry around a lot of anger that I just don't really have. I do still have to live with it though.
The timing of finding out when I did resulted in a conflict that led to a host of other problems. The timing was such that I had already agreed to move in with my mother as her caregiver. I hadn't really intended to take a vow of celibacy or anything ...but it sort of worked out that way anyway (minus the vow). I haven't had sex in three years; Mom passed away last year ...I've recently moved to my current place of residence, which is beyond "comfortable" for a single dude. One of the benefits to being caregiver was that I was able to devote all my finances towards a ridiculous credit card debt, and after Mom passed, her estate was more than any of my siblings or I had imagined. The only "perk" that I received over the other siblings was my mother's car which since she had been unable to drive for some time; that detail wasn't exactly something anyone but one sibling thought anything of, but I'm not all that concerned. I was able to outright buy an older two bedroom town home condo and have it largely redone to my liking. The price was right, the neighborhood is exactly where I wanted to be and I have friends here already ...I have two cars (both paid off), no debt, and a sizable savings.
Financially, I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life. A fresh start!
I'm also a 48 year old disabled guy with herpes, who happens to be an atheist in the Bible belt and may be having some issues with bottled up grief. Perhaps the reality of having herpes hasn't really had it's opportunity to surface before now either, but the options for dating again seem more than a little bleak even at the casual glance.
So maybe I'll try to use this blog a bit more while I figure things out. Maybe I'll have some interesting stuff to write about, and move past some issues that I seem to be having with trust and privacy.
But for now, I think I'll put together a bathroom cabinet.
I seem to recall that this is my "original" blogspot blog; I actually have two others though. One is known to others who know me, so I'm a little reticent to post too much there about my current state of affairs. I have exactly one post on the other ...I seem to recall have an honest to goodness reason for creating a third one although I couldn't tell you what it might have been now.
A lot has changed in the meantime ...some for the good, some for the bad. Basically like every other person in the world.
In the last five years though ...I've lost my mother, my father, my ex-wife (or 8 year LTR if we are being literal) and numerous aunts and the last remaining uncle. I wasn't exceptionally close to all but one aunt, but the father, mother and ex-wife I suspect have been a lot harder on me than I want to admit; I'm still considering a little bit of grief counseling that the hospice company for my mother provides free of charge. I don't know exactly why I'm so apprehensive about it ...what I keep telling myself is that it's because the hospice is Christian based, and being an atheist is supposed to create some kind of conflict there. I know that's a pretty bullshit reason as far as "reasons" go ...in fact, I'd even go so far as to say it's just an excuse. The apprehension is very real though.
Another fun detail that I've discovered since that last post is that I have herpes. I can go back in my journals and pinpoint exactly when I contracted it and who I contracted it from. No joy in Muddville over that part.
There is absolutely no GOOD way to find out you have an STD that will be with you for life, but I think my own story was as close as you can come to it. My "friend" contacted me immediately when she got her own test back; she was responsible about informing me (as was I with the only other I had been with ...and she thankfully tested negative), and I bore no ill will at the time or after. I had known her for quite a few years and we had a lot of fun ...there were no illusions about other partners. We had been strictly "safe sex" for the first year and dispensed with the condoms after we got to know each other better. It was a case of "sometimes when you play, you have to pay the piper." I don't have to like how it worked out, but when I hear other stories from other heeps ...it seems like many carry around a lot of anger that I just don't really have. I do still have to live with it though.
The timing of finding out when I did resulted in a conflict that led to a host of other problems. The timing was such that I had already agreed to move in with my mother as her caregiver. I hadn't really intended to take a vow of celibacy or anything ...but it sort of worked out that way anyway (minus the vow). I haven't had sex in three years; Mom passed away last year ...I've recently moved to my current place of residence, which is beyond "comfortable" for a single dude. One of the benefits to being caregiver was that I was able to devote all my finances towards a ridiculous credit card debt, and after Mom passed, her estate was more than any of my siblings or I had imagined. The only "perk" that I received over the other siblings was my mother's car which since she had been unable to drive for some time; that detail wasn't exactly something anyone but one sibling thought anything of, but I'm not all that concerned. I was able to outright buy an older two bedroom town home condo and have it largely redone to my liking. The price was right, the neighborhood is exactly where I wanted to be and I have friends here already ...I have two cars (both paid off), no debt, and a sizable savings.
Financially, I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life. A fresh start!
I'm also a 48 year old disabled guy with herpes, who happens to be an atheist in the Bible belt and may be having some issues with bottled up grief. Perhaps the reality of having herpes hasn't really had it's opportunity to surface before now either, but the options for dating again seem more than a little bleak even at the casual glance.
So maybe I'll try to use this blog a bit more while I figure things out. Maybe I'll have some interesting stuff to write about, and move past some issues that I seem to be having with trust and privacy.
But for now, I think I'll put together a bathroom cabinet.
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