Is it 2015 already?

Wow, I was just looking at my last post and the date ...2012!

I seem to recall that this is my "original" blogspot blog; I actually have two others though.  One is known to others who know me, so I'm a little reticent to post too much there about my current state of affairs.  I have exactly one post on the other ...I seem to recall have an honest to goodness reason for creating a third one although I couldn't tell you what it might have been now.

A lot has changed in the meantime ...some for the good, some for the bad.  Basically like every other person in the world.

In the last five years though ...I've lost my mother, my father, my ex-wife (or 8 year LTR if we are being literal) and numerous aunts and the last remaining uncle.  I wasn't exceptionally close to all but one aunt, but the father, mother and ex-wife I suspect have been a lot harder on me than I want to admit; I'm still considering a little bit of grief counseling that the hospice company for my mother provides free of charge. I don't know exactly why I'm so apprehensive about it ...what I keep telling myself is that it's because the hospice is Christian based, and being an atheist is supposed to create some kind of conflict there.  I know that's a pretty bullshit reason as far as "reasons" go ...in fact, I'd even go so far as to say it's just an excuse.  The apprehension is very real though.

Another fun detail that I've discovered since that last post is that I have herpes.  I can go back in my journals and pinpoint exactly when I contracted it and who I contracted it from.  No joy in Muddville over that part.

There is absolutely no GOOD way to find out you have an STD that will be with you for life, but I think my own story was as close as you can come to it.  My "friend" contacted me immediately when she got her own test back; she was responsible about informing me (as was I with the only other I had been with ...and she thankfully tested negative), and I bore no ill will at the time or after.  I had known her for quite a few years and we had a lot of fun ...there were no illusions about other partners.  We had been strictly "safe sex" for the first year and dispensed with the condoms after we got to know each other better.  It was a case of "sometimes when you play, you have to pay the piper."  I don't have to like how it worked out, but when I hear other stories from other heeps ...it seems like many carry around a lot of anger that I just don't really have.  I do still have to live with it though.

The timing of finding out when I did resulted in a conflict that led to a host of other problems.  The timing was such that I had already agreed to move in with my mother as her caregiver.  I hadn't really intended to take a vow of celibacy or anything ...but it sort of worked out that way anyway (minus the vow).  I haven't had sex in three years; Mom passed away last year ...I've recently moved to my current place of residence, which is beyond "comfortable" for a single dude.  One of the benefits to being caregiver was that I was able to devote all my finances towards a ridiculous credit card debt, and after Mom passed, her estate was more than any of my siblings or I had imagined.  The only "perk" that I received over the other siblings was my mother's car which since she had been unable to drive for some time; that detail wasn't exactly something anyone but one sibling thought anything of, but I'm not all that concerned.  I was able to outright buy an older two bedroom town home condo and have it largely redone to my liking.  The price was right, the neighborhood is exactly where I wanted to be and I have friends here already ...I have two cars (both paid off), no debt, and a sizable savings.

Financially, I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life.  A fresh start!

I'm also a 48 year old disabled guy with herpes, who happens to be an atheist in the Bible belt and may be having some issues with bottled up grief.  Perhaps the reality of having herpes hasn't really had it's opportunity to surface before now either, but the options for dating again seem more than a little bleak even at the casual glance.

So maybe I'll try to use this blog a bit more while I figure things out.  Maybe I'll have some interesting stuff to write about, and move past some issues that I seem to be having with trust and privacy.

But for now, I think I'll put together a bathroom cabinet.