and another

...Inside the mind of a woman

I was be-bopping down memory lane the other day when going through a box of stuff, and came across something that made me think of a friend of mine, and one of my first glimpses into the mind and heart of a woman.

Sometimes I think you wonderful creatures were placed on this earth just to fuck with us though; I really do!

She was a good friend and a bartender at the little neighborhood bar I hung out in from time to time; for the sake of anonymity, I'll call her "K." She had been telling me for weeks about a friend who was coming in from out of town to visit; the friend had just gone back home after a three day visit and she had peechures to share!

Now her friend, she always told me, could almost be the twin sister of one of our mutual friends from school, "J." Cool ...J was a good friend of mine as well, and a really smokin' hot tall skinny blond at that. So when I came into the bar that night, K pulled out her pictures from the weekend adventures, I was a bit surprised at the pictures of her friend ...I REALLY just couldn't see the similarity to J at all; even after K exclaimed about how in one or two of the pictures, she almost could mistake her for J! Hey ...maybe the light was wrong (...because there WAS light?!), but I just couldn't any resemblance past the fact that they were both blond. No kidding ...I was an art major for Pete's sake!!! ...the facial structures were completely different, completely different builds ...since I had never met the friend, I couldn't judge personality, but I saw almost NO physical resemblance at all (not to be saying she wasn't cute as hell ...just not J)!

Well, I had known K long enough to know when to keep my mouth shut, unfortunately she had also known ME long enough to catch the look on my face, or in my eye ...whatever. But she saw something there, and wanted to know what I thought of her friend.

Me: She's really pretty!
K: ...isn't she though; and she looks SO much like J, it blows me away!
Me: mmm okay
K: you don't think she looks like J?
Me: I guess I just don't really see the resemblance ...J is a lot skinnier and at least 6 inches taller.
K: oh ...okay (putting pictures away)

(wow ...is that a cold breeze I feel?! the door isn't open is it? ...wait, that's right, this is summer in Texas and we've only a few degrees difference than the surface of the sun, so what's up here?!!)

So the evening moves on a bit, and K seems ...well ...distant. She and I have known each other for a few years ...and sometimes for good or ill, I always found it easiest to just wait and let her speak up when she was good and ready. In retrospect, and had I known what was coming I might have just gone ahead and moved to Siberia right then, but I guess this was one of life's lessons I just needed to learn. (even if 15+ years later, I still haven't quite figured out the "moral" yet *sigh*)

K came over after a bit and kind of snuggled in next to me, and looked up at me with those sad little doe eyes and asked me THOSE five words we guys SO absolutely hate to hear, because we are just SO fucked every time they issue from you gal's mouths:

"Do you think I'm fat?!"

I almost wish I could make a good attempt at describing K's personality, but let's just say the guy next to me nearly spit his drink all over the bar. The only thing really going through my head was "where in the fuck did THAT come from?!"

Well, for starters K wasn't even CLOSE to being "fat" even by any way-out anorexic's definition; she had humongous boobs ...but was very trim and athletic in her build; she easily could have been a model. So I was a BIT boggled by the question even.

Actually, I think it might even be fair to say she might as well have hit me in the stomach with a 2x4! And being the big dumb guy that I am, perhaps I sounded a little platitude-ish in my rushed and I'm sure garbled gibberish response. Lol ...looking back on it, if there was any hesitation in my answers, it was merely because I was in shock about being asked in the first place!

But she seemed to accept this, and went back to work ...but it still seemed awfully damned chilly in the room. (there is an old proverb about never pissing off a female bartender lest you find a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary ...and this was kinda how I felt).

So a bit more time passes, I manage to slam down a few more drinks ...and then she comes back over, and now the anger seems to be shining through a little bit. ...and I cringe.

She starts telling me about working out, and she's only size whatever the fuck ...what exactly is it about her that *I* think it is that makes her look fat?!

So now, we finally get down to the "logic" of the whole matter. Apparently, I think her FRIEND is fat, and since the two of them are about the same build and weight, then I MUST by default think SHE's fat TOO!

Anyone ever seen the old Cronenberg movie "Scanners" from back in the early 80's where the guys head explodes?! ...I think that was me about now.

Where in the hell did this come from?!

...apparently since I think that J is "skinnier" than the friend, then the friend must indeed be fat. ...furthermore, as said above, since the friend and K are roughly the same build, then I must also believe K is "fat" as well. (I actually HAVE been guilty of overusing that "compared to" scale a few times, but THIS one was ridiculous!)

perfect logic. What the hell had I been thinking... *sigh*

Wish I could come up with the "happy ending" for this tale. lol! I think I just scraped my brains off the walls and went home with that vacant expression favored by victims of shock. Her BF (also a school buddy) came over to my apt later that night and was asking what the fuck it was that I had said to her that had her in such a twist, and then he promptly about fell out of the chair laughing when I told him! (I seem to recall a "boy I'm sure glad that was you instead of me" in there somewhere)

I guess he had the brains to tell her they looked like twins!!!