second day delirium

It's the Fourth of July, and it's really being something else. Not fun, not emotionally fulfilling ...something else. It's my second day without a cigarette, so perhaps something like the "seventh level of hell" would be a better descriptor?!

Today would have been my 10 year mark with Linda had we never split. I had almost forgotten about that particular significance. I think the end of this month will be the two year mark since the break-up. I'm sure glad we're apart (and FAR apart), but there are still things I often miss about her; I'm glad we're still friends at least. I was really happy that she sent Mom a card and b-day present (and called ...Mom said they talked for well over an hour); the card was very sweet! Her family is about the only thing that I can compare mine to and feel fairly "normal."

And I just finished movie number one for the day a while ago; soon to press on into more I'm sure. I have to say, I'm doing fairly well all things considered, even if I did sleep for quite a few hours midway in the first movie; I could easily find myself up all night if I keep up with the napping. A few minutes ago I found an extremely old bottle of vicodin from that time I smacked my hand with a hammer; I took two, and it seems to be taking at least SOME of the edge off. Odd how the cravings come on ...wow, kinda like cravings. ...I thought I had remembered being almost rabid in the cravings a few times in the past; these are pretty damned powerful but hardly unmanageable. (but woweee that Vicodin helps that part out)

The withdrawls are a bitch, and I really knew they would be; not like I haven't been down this road before. I think it's probably even more amazing that I started again after the other times more so than the other side. At the moment, the primary pain in the ass is my head, which feels as though I have a vice on it. My dizziness is about like my "usual" ...only times about 20; with the vicodin kicking in so nicely I'm not being quite as noticeful about the full body ache, but I know it's there when I try to walk. My stomach is fucked up too, but that's a little bit harder to describe. I think this could be described as being "in pain" but I'm not sure. I just know that it is SO awful, I think the fact I came back to it is probably the anomaly. I think the severity of the withdrawls have always let me stay quit at least for weeks or months. When I have started again, it's almost always a week or month later ...seldom ever a day or two.

The cravings are more like an absent "where are my cigarettes?" kind of crave more than an "if somebody walks near me with a cigarette, I'll take their right hand off at the wrist" kind of thing. Sure I WANT a cigarette, but I'm hardly in any danger of going to get any. It's sure being plenty bad though ...my eyes hurt, the head is full of pressure, I'm VERY dizzy and can't think straight (typing is even being a chore); I figure the constipation or diarrhea will kick in tomorrow. I don't recall if the hallucinating really kicked in until the second or third day, but maybe I'll escape it this time. One can hope.

I think the upside of this whole thing is that I'll probably be able to STAY quit this time. I really just can't afford the habit at all anymore; my "cigs and booze" bill for the last month was just about exactly what my food budget is. In short, I can do booze and smokes, or I can eat and pay bills. Tempting as the alternative sounds at this point, I guess I have to go with the (fucking) responsible one though... :( One would think I'd quit because of my health, or that the money would be better spent elsewhere. I never thought I'd give it up merely because there IS no money for it. Good motivator.

Okay, well I'm off for a bit. We'll see wha hoppens....