In memory of "Elmer"

I think I may have mentioned in a few blogs how mechanics are essentially just a bunch of overgrown children, and I still stand by that. Some of the stuff that I've pulled over the years by way of practical jokes (AND stuff that has been pulled on me) is nothing short of incredible. I had quite a reputation as being a bit of a techno-geek in most of my jokes (such as wiring my bosses keyboard to an air horn I stashed under his desk), but one of my earliest attempts was pretty danged low-tech ...and I still laugh when I remember it.

It all started innocently enough in the mid 80's. We were on a cleanup rampage in the bathroom/locker room at one of my jobs in the auto department of a chain department store whose name rhymed with "Wards," and one of the lockers still held a change of clothes for a guy that had quit way back when ...and there was a pair of work boots in there as well.

...and the birth of an idea.

The bathroom was fair sized; one urinal, one stall, and a large sink to wash up in (critical in an auto shop). As my buddy and I saw the boots in the locker, I thought it might be funny to try a little prank and see how it went over. We took out the boots and set them up in the (only) bathroom "stall" ...and then dropped a pair of pants down over them. I seem to recall we may have gone back and set some tall cans of brake cleaner inside the boots to complete the effect, but it was quite the sight to see standing from the outside. It looked just like someone sitting in there with their pants around their ankles.

This became the birth of "Elmer."

Day one in Elmer's life began with the boss hauling ass into the bathroom ...then running back out and frantically pacing back and forth by the bathroom door, pausing every now and then to stick his head in and shout "WOULD YOU HURRY UP IN THERE!!!!"

...and of course the whole shop knows what's going on and is giggling like schoolgirls about it.

He finally went in, then came out a few minutes later just rolling his eyes when met with the riotous laughter from all over the shop; we knew an idea had been unleashed on the unsuspecting world! We generally reserved "Elmer" for new guys, but one could never tell over the years that followed when he might rear his ugly feet.

The time of all times was when we got a new guy, and he really got into a twist about it. Poor guy! He was in his first week, and after about an hour he remarked about "that guy in the bathroom" being in there for an awfully long time. We had this down to a science ...we just told him not to worry, it was only Elmer. No matter who he asked, that was the response "...don't worry, it's just Elmer." sometimes "You know Elmer ...old guy, works on the docks, beard..." ...and then the clincher "...sometimes he just goes to sleep."

But ALWAYS "Don't worry about it ...it's just Elmer."

It got pretty fun to see how long we could string somebody along before they would finally break down and LOOK ...hell, Elmer didn't even have a shadow (most said that was what finally gave it away). But this particular new guy was starting to get a little upset after a couple of hours with no movement from "that guy;" I would imagine he had to have been at least a little baffled by everyone's nonchalance about the whole thing. When he started getting a little more panicked about the whole situation, we started suggesting that perhaps he should go in and check on him.

And THIS was when things really started to get funny: "I'M NOT GOING IN THERE, HE MIGHT BE DEAD (pronounced Day-ud)!!!!"

Now this is pretty cruel, but his Okie accent really made all this almost three times as funny; this poor guy was just SO clueless about how we all didn't seem to mind AT ALL that some guy had been in the bathroom for 4 hours without moving. It was just too funny ...people from other departments were actually coming around just to hear the guy launch off about "that guy in the bathroom" ...and of course, to see his horrified look when they just told him not to worry! ..or even worse, to go check!

"I know it's "JUST ELMER," but I think he's DAY-UD!!!"
"HELL NO, I'm not going in there! ...he might be DAY-UD!!!"

Some folks are kinda thick though ...you would think he'd start to smell a rat when by the sixth hour, people from as far away as Home and Garden are coming over and laughing themselves silly while he's carrying on in obvious panic about that old guy that's been in there ALL DAY LONG ...and nobody seems to care at all!

I think the highlight of the whole thing was when it started getting nearer to closing time, and I had to make "the" phone call to the Big Boss (BB).

me: Hey BB, this is GM out in the shop
BB: Hey GM, what's going on?
me: Well, I just wanted to give you a heads up about a practical joke we're playing on the new guy
BB: uh-oh ...is this something you really want to be telling ME about?!
me: Well, when he calls you about the dead guy in the bathroom, I thought you might appreciate some warning before you called 911
BB: *drops phone*
me: (I'm sure you can see me holding the phone away from my ear at what came next)

...and that's actually pretty accurate. I'm not sure what it says about the "big boss" that by the time I was done, he was laughing so hard he could barely hold the phone. It would seem he'd been overhearing bits and pieces from people all day long laughing about "Elmer," but just wasn't quite able to make any sense of it all until that moment.

Come closing time, sure enough ...here comes the new guy dragging out BB by his arm, ranting about the DAY-UD guy in the bathroom. BB is TRYING so very hard to tell him that it's a joke ...they've been pulling your leg ...it's not a real person!

and new guy KEEPS ON ...no NO NO, it's a GUY, and I think he's DAY-UD!!!

...all the way into the bathroom until BB swings the door open, and there sits "Elmer" in all his minimalistic glory.

Lol ...it really was pretty freakin' hysterical; and the guy even took it in amazingly good humor (he never came in the next day with an M-16 anyway)!

But as I look back, how much like a "Twilight Zone" episode would that have HAD to have felt like?! Not only does nobody CARE there is a dead guy, they keep laughing at you when you try to tell them?!

Life is a trip, huh?!